Insights for a More Balanced Life – The Loving Karma Journal

    When I tell you I am about to be vulnerable, I’m about to be vulnerable with a capital V. We’re talking Vagina vulnerable. And if you are wondering WHY on earth I would be talking about my vagina so publicly, I would tell you it is because I want to help as many others who have suffered the most horrible pain you can possibly imagine on a multitude of levels when it comes to the “down there” parts of our bodies, which affect the up-here parts of our mentality and the everywhere else parts of our soul. 

    I’ve always told people I’m a delicate flower. Since I was 18 I’ve had so many random, “what is that on my body,” or “where did that rash come from,” or “what did I just eat that is giving me a pounding headache,” types of experiences. But nothing, and I mean NOTHING, has ever come close to what I have been dealing with these last 6 months. 

    I KNOW like I KNOW like I KNOW that this information is going to help at least one person out there who is suffering from something that doctors can’t seem to figure out or identify the cause, but have given a prescription to mask the symptoms. While it is all done in kindness to provide us some sort of relief, we are still sent on our merry way to continue to suffer, and be exposed to whatever it is that is causing us this unimaginable, and debilitating at times, sort of nightmare. 

    So if it is you, the reader that I help, then all of this mortifying and embarrassing vagina talk will be worth it.

    I can remember attending a workshop at Omega in Rhinebeck, NY, just weeks after my ex and I broke up last September, barely able to walk because it hurt so badly. Was it a yeast infection? Was it a bladder infection? God forbid was it an STD? I knew he sailed from our relationship straight to his next one, but did he cheat on me? This felt worse than anything I had ever experienced before. What the hell was wrong with me and why was this happening AGAIN?

    The excruciating itch and extremely painful burn made me call my doctor on my way home from that retreat, because I was SURE it had to be a yeast infection. While I was relieved to get the prescription for Diflucan, I was disappointed when it didn’t help all that much. The symptoms had slightly faded but didn’t completely go away.

    My life was becoming a daily cry-fest before leaving my room, or the house, or my car to go into anywhere. And then I would do what we all do when we are suffering, I pretended I was okay. I couldn’t let people know what was wrong because, well… it was about my vagina, and I was raised that it wasn’t proper to talk freely about that part of my body, but I’m SO FUCKING OVER the shame and the silent suffering. 

    I had unfortunately been through this whole scenario the year before and been to doctor after doctor after doctor, only to be told, “You’re perfectly healthy Angela, we can’t find anything wrong, but try this prescription,” or, “there is this exploratory thing we can do with a camera where we would insert it into your – .” I would stop them with a hard fast “NO THANK YOU,” while waving my hands furiously back and forth. My previous experience has been that exploratory-anything hurts my sensitive-everything, and I didn’t want to deal with one more prolonged repercussion from something that was “exploratory.”

    Any time doctors would offer me a prescription I would wince, telling them how sensitive my body was and how terrified I was to put something foreign and unnatural on or in it for fear of exacerbating my symptoms. Even though I had that little voice inside of my head saying “don’t do it don’t do it,” the same voice was also playing on repeat like a skipped broken record the “doctors know best” track.

    Don't get me wrong, I am a huge believer in Western Medicine and understand it's place in this world, and in my own life.  There are many situations and circumstances, where prescriptions are helpful and even necessary.  However, I was finding that Western Medicine didn't always have the answers I was seeking, and that was frustrating. But as a result of not having answers, and continuing to be in pain, it became my mission to figure things out.

    That same year before, I had successfully linked my very similar issues to the toilet paper I was using, thanks to google and my own research. I had found an article written by a gynecologist who shared his own discoveries in solving what one of his patients had been suffering from that sounded identical to me and my symptoms. Vulvodynia was his diagnosis: “inexplicable chronic vulvar pain.” He found hers was caused by the toilet paper she was using. I KNEW that would change things for me. That made SENSE. And that was NOT a prescription. Instead of adding something to my body that could cause more problems, here was something I could remove and change and hopefully recover from. Different toilet paper. Check and done. 

    I think with covid and the whole toilet paper shortage and the mass production of more of it, something had changed in the production process. At least that’s what my body was telling me. I discovered, after obsessive and intensive research, that some toilet papers used a bleaching process and even contained formaldehyde.  I found a toilet paper that didn’t use bleach or formaldehyde and everything miraculously cleared up within weeks. I high-fived myself for figuring that one out and started keeping track of these small wins.

    I sat on the floor of my daughter’s room and  held his little frail body in between my hands. There wasn’t much warmth radiating from him and I knew he was dying. Wanting to ease his pain, I turned on the Reiki and felt the slightest bit of static emanating from his little body. Normally when I do Reiki on a healthy person or animal, I can sense a vitality that is palpable, strong and expansive, but with Keebler, it was hard to even sense. 

    When I was little, my (typical) brothers used to use me as their 9 volt battery tester. The sensation from touching a new battery to my tongue would send me through the roof, but a 9 volt battery that was weak, would barely give a zing. Keebler had no zing.

    I remember adopting him from the Humane Society when he was just six weeks old for my daughter. It was just days after her last guinea pig Rita had passed and she was devastated. Since the day we brought him home, he had such a presence and aliveness. Guinea pigs do this thing called “popcorning” where they bounce and jump and squeak when they are happy and excited. He was such a love bug.  I would listen from my bedroom while he and my daughter would have conversations through piggy squealing back and forth. And in the mornings when I would wake up my daughter and he would see me, he would get so excited and race around his cage making his little piggy sounds because he knew he was about to get carrots. It was our little morning ritual. 

    As we sat with him feeling heavy and sad knowing he was transitioning, I remembered one of my Reiki teachers, Kathleen Prasad, who taught me, and is the founder of, the “Let Animals Lead” method. We are all energetic beings and can feel one another’s emotions and state of mind. And the greatest gift we could give to Keebler in that moment was to put our feelings of sadness aside. The depths of pain we felt were likely overwhelming his already heavily and very little burdened body. 

    “See him as a beautiful, radiating, ball of light Arianna.” That little baby we adopted almost five years ago was still the same soul whose energy filled our hearts and our home all that time. As we shifted into this new vibration of love and light, I began to feel what he was feeling. As a Reiki practitioner, this is a common occurrence for me. I tend to connect to the energies of those around me and start to sense things. I began to feel immense pain in my head and lower back. 

    “You are so beautiful and handsome Keebler. We love you so so so much!  It’s okay to go honey. You are so safe and loved.” We repeatedly said these things to him until it was late into the night. I felt the energy flow like a river from my hands into his body. We placed him back into his cage with such grace and ease. He used to leap like superman into his cage and now couldn’t even see where he was. He waited until he felt the floor of his cage before he moved out of our hands. 

    Later that night, I woke up to an electric buzzing sound in my head that also felt like harsh static in my body. At the same time my breathing became labored and I began have tiny fits of coughing spells. Within one minute I heard a loud pop, like a fuse being blown and I felt the release happen in my own body. At the same time in my minds eye, I saw and heard a violet flame flicker and go out. It was like the sound of a sterno can being covered. I knew immediately he was gone. 

    As I went into Arianna’s room, my eyes confirmed what my soul already knew. Our sweet boy had transitioned and was finally at peace.   

    I don’t think there is anything more humbling than to be part of someone’s transition in life. Reiki is forever my teacher and I am so grateful to have been part of, and witness to Keebler’s passing. I know that our ability to hold space for him emotionally, allowed for him to relax into the receiving of the Reiki energy. 

    It’s a beautiful thing to be able to do that for anyone, whether they are in transition or not. Thank you Dr. Mikao Usui, for bringing Reiki into my life. 

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